7:29 p.m. - 2018-01-01
Julia Roberts, that beast.
I watched Eat. Pray. Love earlier today and of course it put me in my feelings. Not to mention later on tonight, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past started to play. I immediately felt a tiny metaphorical bullet hit my chest.

I still want to know why he wanted me to watch that movie. 2009. Takes me right back every time. And each time I watch it, I bury myself a little further down that rabbit hole.

I know why he wanted me to watch it, but I don't think he can ever comprehend why I need him to say it. For as intuitive as I am, I still need to hear someone say how they feel. I still want him to say that it's me who he puts in that spot. I need him to tell me that he holds me as this person who he always has in the back of his mind, and no matter what he does...no matter who he dates, it's to avoid getting hurt, it's to avoid having to really change and take that leap.

I could be wrong, but I know I'm not.

I wish that I could tell him the same thing, but in reality, I know that it has to come from him. It's what I need, and until he has matured enough to really tell me how he feels, I won't chase him. I feel like this will be the first year that he doesn't even try to invite me to his birthday. He'll still be upset I didn't go last year.

I'm also fearful that this will be another full year without talking.

I think we spoke maybe 3 times last year. and it really sucked.

blah. send him love and light and drop it.

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